And the question remains the same: Why couldn’t I accept my circumstance and make the most of the situation? I think that even then, I had a sense of higher purpose. That my life was not meant to be spent behind bars, and that anytime not spent actively pursuing this goal was time wasted. It seems silly to project these thoughts into the mind a child who can barely walk, but I suspect that feeling is the same I feel today.

This feeling calls me to sacrifice happiness for purpose. For something to give life meaning. A passion that I must devote my life to. And until I find whatever it is I seek, nothing else has any importance. Furthermore, I have the idea that once I’ve discovered this thing, everything will have been worth it, and my entire life leading up to that point will make sense.

This sounds pretty fantastic, but as I was pondering this, I had to ask myself:
Why is this so important to me?

Certainty, singular purpose, a motivating passion, what purpose does this ultimate serve? And the answer came back like this:

If you know what your purpose is, you don’t have to worry about making a bad decision, or wasting time. Your life has complete security, and you never doubt yourself ever again, you never have to experience the emotional ebb and flow of despair and hope, because you’ll live in a state of permanent happiness.

And of course that’s when I realized I’ve been going after something that can’t possibly offer what I’m looking for. And I already know this. People who have millions are still insecure that they may someday be cut off from their wealth. People who are doing what they absolutely love are confronted by the constant doubt that they are doing the right thing. It is natural to look for purpose, meaning, a central unifying point to our lives. But just having focus does not make insecurity and doubt vanish. There is no certainty, no total security, because inevitably we die. This occurs whether we find our exact purpose in life or not.

So stop striving for everything to make complete sense. Find a way to live confidently in an insecure world.

The most we can do is move towards meaning — after all, what else is there — but we must always keep our minds open and our focus, soft. Most of all, even as we look to the future we must prevent ourselves from withdrawing from the world.

Be open. Play with the other kids. Because what gives our lives meaning is just as likely to be found there as anywhere else.