It was Friday at around 8:30 when I suddenly realized that I was done with this city.
“FUCK PHILLY! FUCK the assholes spitting all over the SIDEWALKS! FUCK the speeding taxis trying to KILL me! FUCK the parking authority handing out tickets to everyone who stays still for 20 seconds! FUCK the negative, rude, arrogant, ignorant dickheads that seem to swarm this city like the FUCKING RATS in Rittenhouse Square!!! FUCK. EVERYTHING!!!!!”
I had a good reason. It came to me like an epiphany, one that had been sitting on a slow burner, suddenly rising to a boil with a single intolerable degree. I had been walking down the street, and a guy came up to me and asked, “Could I have 12 cents?” Nothing unusual here. Happens every day in Philadelphia. Only this time, I decided to try something different. I looked the guy in the eye, and said, “Hmm.. lemmie see if I have anything..” And I searched my pockets.
Now people ask me for change every single day of my life, and I can’t pin point exactly why in this moment I’d decide to give change that I know isn’t going to make this guy’s life any better. But here I am, out of the kindness of the moment, digging around in my pocket, seeing if I can help this guy out and then.. nothing.
“Sorry man, I don’t have anything…” I pull my hands out of my pockets, give an apologetic shrug and start walking. But this guy is looking at me, trying to stare deep into me eyes, as if to say, “You were going to give me something, where is it?” I return the look, put my hands to the sides, and repeat, “Sorry I don’t have anything..”
The man turns away looking pissed off, as if I’d just robbed him of something, and I as I step away, I can’t help myself. Teeth bared, all my muscles contract at once, and I jump up and down on the side walk, a ridiculous caricature of a guy who has had enough.
“I”
“FUCKING”
“HATE”
“THIS”
“CITY!!!!”
On the last jump I look up and swing my fists like I’m starting a fight with the moon. The moon doesn’t react. I shake it off and walk home.
Maybe the reason for all of this is my recent trip to San Francisco, a city which makes Philadelphia looks like some barren prototype. Some kind of defunct testing ground, that has gone on long past it’s intended useage. A cell culture stored away inside a tiny glass cylinder, which grew mold, and now continues on, replicating endlessly, alone and unwatched. Since I’ve come back, I’ve been unable to see Philly the same way I once saw it: As a refuge from the tiny boring state of Connecticut where I was born. Now, I seek a new refuge.
I’m tempted to soften the language, to write a dozen different disclaimers to prevent backlash, but nah, I’ve lived here 9 years, for once in my life I’ll allow myself to have an opinion.
So I had this weekend to stew over these thoughts, over my escape plan. I plot out logistics endlessly, maybe I should try for a job in San Francisco? Wait no, must travel before I go there. What about the Peace Corps? Fuck that, I can’t live in a hut for 2 years. Maybe I should goto Jordan and teach English to Muslim people. Ahhh, there’s too many options GAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Then I realized, that I’m going to do none of these things. Every single solution that I have for getting out of Philadelphia is worthless. I’ve lived here for 9 years, part of this city is inside of me. When that attempted cop killer fled the scene and jumped in the Schuylkill, I joined the mob of curious bystanders. When the convenience store down my street was robbed by a crazy drugged out dude, I was in on the manhunt. When the Phillies won the world series, I was there toe to toe with cops videotaping the breakdown. I can’t leave like this. This city is sick, but maybe I am too. Traveling around, I’m just beginning to recognize the symptoms.
I can’t leave this city, I’ve got to get discharged like from a hospital, with a clean bill of health. I need to heal. And in the process, maybe I’ll change something.
Tonight I went out to the grocery store, and just as I reached the corner of my block, I realized I forgot my grocery bag (I’m green like that), and simultaneously a woman decided to ask me for change. Again, I smiled, and decide to check for change, and.. again.. I found none. Her face scrunched up, “Are you going in the store?” Pointing at the Old Nelson’s, “Nah, I’ve gotta get something, sorry!”
I started walking back into my house, when I heard her mumble, “…he was goin to the store… lied right to my face.”
I stopped. Took a breath, turned around, and very calmly and with as much understanding as I could manage said, “No I didn’t. I’m going to the supermarket.”
And then I stepped inside…
Suddenly, I felt great.
I figured it out! Philadelphia isn’t going to be fixed all by myself. But I can help. Some people will change, some are difficult and stubborn. But still, I can help!
This woman clearly thought I was being an asshole to her, and given the odd timing of her request, it probably did look like I was trying to avoid her by going back for my bag. Plus she’s probably encountered hundreds of rude non-responsive people in the city. She’s probably already made up her mind. But that doesn’t matter. I can do what I can do. Even if it’s the tiniest thing, such as making the extra effort to protest her suspicions. If enough people do that, she’ll be changed. Or maybe not. But in any case, my humanity remains intact.
This city may be covered in shit, but if that’s true, then I will be the best shit filter I can be. And it might only change the temperature a fraction of a degree, but maybe it’ll be the fraction of a degree that causes the whole thing to boil over.
FUCK disempowerment! FUCK apathy! And FUCK GIVING UP!!!
No matter what comes my way, no matter how ugly or intollerable, I resolve to act like a human being.
Philadelphia, I am going to wash you clean.
