And the question remains the same: Why couldn’t I accept my circumstance and make the most of the situation? I think that even then, I had a sense of higher purpose. That my life was not meant to be spent behind bars, and that anytime not spent actively pursuing this goal was time wasted. It seems silly to project these thoughts into the mind a child who can barely walk, but I suspect that feeling is the same I feel today.

This feeling calls me to sacrifice happiness for purpose. For something to give life meaning. A passion that I must devote my life to. And until I find whatever it is I seek, nothing else has any importance. Furthermore, I have the idea that once I’ve discovered this thing, everything will have been worth it, and my entire life leading up to that point will make sense.

This sounds pretty fantastic, but as I was pondering this, I had to ask myself:
Why is this so important to me?

Certainty, singular purpose, a motivating passion, what purpose does this ultimate serve? And the answer came back like this:

If you know what your purpose is, you don’t have to worry about making a bad decision, or wasting time. Your life has complete security, and you never doubt yourself ever again, you never have to experience the emotional ebb and flow of despair and hope, because you’ll live in a state of permanent happiness.

And of course that’s when I realized I’ve been going after something that can’t possibly offer what I’m looking for. And I already know this. People who have millions are still insecure that they may someday be cut off from their wealth. People who are doing what they absolutely love are confronted by the constant doubt that they are doing the right thing. It is natural to look for purpose, meaning, a central unifying point to our lives. But just having focus does not make insecurity and doubt vanish. There is no certainty, no total security, because inevitably we die. This occurs whether we find our exact purpose in life or not.

So stop striving for everything to make complete sense. Find a way to live confidently in an insecure world.

The most we can do is move towards meaning — after all, what else is there — but we must always keep our minds open and our focus, soft. Most of all, even as we look to the future we must prevent ourselves from withdrawing from the world.

Be open. Play with the other kids. Because what gives our lives meaning is just as likely to be found there as anywhere else.

Is your life set up around the things you want?
If not then you’re not trying, just wishing.

2) You don’t get to tell yourself what you want

You get to listen.
Sure you could ignore it, but what else is there?

3) None of these are goals: independence, strength, confidence, money, time

The best sounding goals are actually a means to an ends.

4) You know what you’re going to do months in advance you just don’t know it yet

Get better at recognizing what’s next.

5) If you’re going to be your own boss, you better enjoy money making

Because you’re probably going to be getting simpler work with a lower quality standard than if you worked with a group of people. Is a paycheck your main motivator? If not, you’re probably not going to make a lot.

6) I’d rather not have an answer to the question, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

7) Getting a job through your college is not the same as getting a job in the real world

You don’t automatically get an interview and there’s not a few hundred listings to go through.  Oh yeah and internships don’t pay.

8) You can survive longer than you think you can

9) Most expensive things are really traps from people trying to get rid of that empty feeling

Being broke forces you to look for experiences that are worthwhile despite not being priced accordingly.

10) Go with your gut. If it’s wrong you can blame it. If it’s right you don’t have any excuse.

And unlike your brain, it will learn.
And unlike your brain, it doesn’t really care what everyone else is doing.

11) Working from home is not glamorous it’s isolating

12) Your relationships with people are your biggest obstacle in changing your life

But they’re super important. And it’ll hurt every time.

13) The only way you can really learn anything is by experiencing it

Others’ experiences can show you patterns, so you might recognize things in the early stages of them happening, this can be invaluable, but you still have to learn through experience. And your lessons will be your own.

We met up because he was new to Philly, looking for a job in video production. At that time I wasn’t in much of a position to help him- I had as tentative a grasp on my own survival as you can have before slipping away and spiraling off the earth, but really he needed someone to
talk to.

As it turned out he had lived here before, years ago. He had gone to California in search of a new life.  Traveling, exploring, learning the world. The lines on his face and his hunched, timid demeanor gave me an idea of the lessons he had learned.

After a beer or two he confided: “One thing I learned from travel.. You can’t trust anyone.”

I nodded in sympathy, but sensed a disconnect.  I knew his lesson wasn’t true, but I understood why he might think it was. When you’re traveling, all of your relationships are temporary. And there can be no foundation of trust within such temporary circumstances.

I’ve heard stories of friends striking out on a journey across the country, only to end up hurting each other, betraying each other, and abandoning each other. They made it to California alone, or they just didn’t make it at all. Maybe that’s traveling, or maybe that’s just the kind of friends you make when your idea of a road trip begins with stealing a car.  Looking at Andy, I couldn’t tell which he was. A victim of the elements, or a degenerate.

In any case, he had come back to Philly, haunted by some ghost. A girl he had left behind. Or maybe she had left him. Or maybe they had never been really together. He didn’t say, but clearly some memory of her had brought him back here.

And now he had become a ghost. I imagined him wandering the streets- filled with regret, desperation, guilt.  Searching for whatever it was he lost.

After that meeting I never saw him again. There was no real connection. Nothing I could do to help him, but also I didn’t want to get sucked into his world.

So there must be a reason that Andy popped into my head today.  As I look into the future, I can not think of a thing more frightening than becoming a ghost in my own past.

I’m haunted by Andy’s story. Will I become like him someday?

I’ve thought about it, and here’s what I’ve decided:  Ghosts aren’t here to warn us of the future. They’re here to focus us on what is important.  You can’t worry about regret. You’ll regret things or you won’t.  But either way, if what you’re going after is worth it, these consequence
don’t matter.

I wonder what Andy would think of this…  I wonder if things worked out.

A fisherman does not catch fish. He has no control of fish – he has nothing to do with them.
He merely casts his line and waits. The fish do the rest.

Living is the same. You have no control of life – it has nothing to do with you.
As such, you can not get better at living.

You can only master the art of casting your line and waiting.

Conflict

Problems occur when a split is apparent in our world view.  Our brain encompasses two conflicting ideas.  We have some view of reality, the way things really are, and simultaneously the peculiar feeling that things should be a different way.

We are torn, and this confusion can not last for long.  Which leads us to one of three choices:

1 • Delusional Cynicism

In this scenario we ignore our feelings for how things should be, and we force ourselves to focus on reality as it is, conforming our desires to whatever can be offered by that current reality.

Of course, in this case, constant denial of any romanticized ideals is necessary to maintain the illusion of a cohesion.  However, denying them doesn’t reduce their power, which results in being consumed by ideals that we claim we don’t believe in.

Success is easily assured, because goals are altered to meet whatever reality serves up.  This is usually referred to as, “being realistic,” but it’s actually self-deception for the purpose of eliminating conflict. The result is depressing and repressed thought and action, full of compromises.  Once we’ve compromised our vision of how things should be, where do we stop?

2 • Delusional Idealist

Another solution is to completely ignore reality and focus all your mental energy on the way things should be, steering desire towards the ideal with a complete disregard for the external requirements needed to achieve these things.

This results in ineffective behavior based on unchallenged beliefs about how to go after what we want.  Reality is viewed as a frightening, dis-empowering force to be avoided at all cost in favor of an alternative, superior reality created by the self. From this framework success can be achieved, but often it is only in our heads.  Some philosophies suggest that success comes to those who already believe they have it, in which case, I wonder if reality is even necessary to begin with.

Any questioning of success is termed “negative energy” and failure is a result of one’s own doubt, therefore it is quite natural for someone to go from a state of delusional idealism to delusional cynicism.  After all, if they failed, it’s all their fault for not thinking properly.  Self empowerment quickly turns into learned helplessness, and at this point cynicism seems like the more desirable option.

The unspoken message with this outlook is that life is a battle between your own mind and reality. Which one wins depends upon which one has the louder theme song.

3 • Healthy Awareness

Finally we have healthy awareness.  You have an understanding of what reality affords, and an understanding of why it is that way.

From this perspective of awareness, you understand what desires will be fulfilled by a certain activity, and what desires must be fulfilled from some other task, but you have no delusions over what an activity holds in store for you, nor do you tamp down your desires to try and obtain satisfaction from unsatisfying circumstances.

Once the causes are understood, there is no separation between the reality of a situation and how it should be.  And when that connection is obvious there is no point in doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  A new path is required, and someone with a healthy awareness is certainly capable of finding it.

Wow that ended happily didn’t it?  Who would have thought shit was so simple.

Anyways, I’ve written this in harsher language than I probably should have, partially because its easier to write that way, and partially cause Its midnight and I’m hopped up on caffeine and an empty stomach.  It’s also poorly written -with gaping holes- for the same reason.

I feel I must add a disclaimer:

I think it’s perfectly cool to use affirmations, visualizations, the secret, whatever works, but only if it comes from a position of healthy awareness.  Otherwise you can end up permanently losing your perspective of reality and you end up directing a film about lesbian vampires and everyone ends up hating you when you completely fail them due to your complete disconnection with what is happening outside your head.

Unless you’re that guy, do not take offense, and let me know what you think below.  I’m always open to tweaking things. This is a newly formed theory.  It still has new theory smell.

A nervous laugh is a way to escape from social tension. To bring humor back to the situation, to allay seriousness, and create a comfortable mood. Whenever a situation contains an incongruity between whats going on in our heads and what’s happening in reality, tension is created. 2 things can happen at that point:

1. You can shatter the tension by attempting to correct the lack of congruity or
2. you can pull on the tension, stretching it, using it to heighten emotions, and create excitement.

This is the essence of social tension, sexual tension, joke tension, goal tension, and dramatic tension.

Imagine:

• …watching a film which resolves intriguing plot lines immediately after presenting them.
• …watching comedian that laughs immediately after telling a joke, or tells a joke too soon.
• …going on a date that never slips into innuendo and undertones.
• …observing an entrepreneur getting bored and abandoning a product before it’s finished.

In all of these cases, tension has not been used to any advantage. Instead it has been pushed away, eliminated, given up in favor of a more comfortable emotional environment.

It’s our ability to not just tolerate tension but heighten it that makes life exciting, and gives us motivation and drive. It’s the difference between standing on a tightrope 1000 feet in the air, or 5 inches from the ground.

We all have different levels of comfort with tension, and we all have methods for getting ourselves out of it prematurely.

How much tension can you stand? What is your nervous laugh?